Ok so I’m writing a novel and this is the beginning of it. Can you read it and maybe give me some critisizim or advice? I’ll even take some problems or questions you have. Thank you in advance!:
“Okay you hooligans in a few weeks were going to be starting our annual creative writing project.” The class groaned. Mr. Crawford had been our English teacher for the past few months, in place of our teacher Mrs. Thompson, who was on maternity leave. Mr. Crawford was a short, old, crazy haired, substitute teacher our class had gotten to know very easily. Unfortunately, there was twenty of us and one of him; so he had a really hard time with names, except Jeremy’s. That shouldn’t be a problem, right Mr. Scott?” Jeremy was talking with one of his bonehead jock friends. “Um…yeah sure” Jeremy laughed and snickered under his breath, “at least your daughter didn’t think so.” The right side of the room quietly chuckled. Don’t get me wrong, I loved Jeremy, I mean have been together since the beginning of the year. We one cutest couple, twice, and we had a good shot at winning prom king and queen. It’s just…sometimes, well most of the time he forgets to use his brain before he speaks, but who doesn’t have that problem, right? “See me after class Mr. Scott, and you can tell me all about it.” Mr. Crawford was in a good mood. “Jeff Carey, Michael Carter, Jenna Harrison.” Jenna, one of my best friends, moved here from Chicago last year. Have you ever had a best friend that you started out hating; then once you got to know them you fell in love? That is how Jenna and I started out. The first time I met her she was flirting with Trevor, the guy I liked when I was a sophomore, at the charity football game down at the old Hampton Church . Long story short, we did not start off on good terms. I confronted her at a party thrown by one of his friends. She threw her drink on me and I punched her in the nose. While we were going at it Trevor was having more than a good time watching two girls fight over him. While we were getting thrown out we both glanced over and saw him making out with a girl from another school. With that, we walked home together and talked things out. We were together everyday for cheerleading and she was with me the whole summer Brooke went to Arizona. We became best friends quickly and she was welcomed into our group with open arms. Jenna also dates my other best friend, Ryan. “Sarah Herbing Aaron Howard, Alexandra Martin.” “Um…Allie.” I spoke “Oh yeah, Allie, sorry” Mr. Crawford scribbled something down on his notepad, “Andrea Mattingly, Rachael May, Shayne McDonald.” Ugh. Shayne McDonald. Have you ever had that one girl in your class, you know, the one who thinks she is ten million times better than everyone else? Well, then you’ve met someone like Shayne McDonald. We used to be friends, until second grade when I accidentally got play-dough in her hair, she had to get almost all of it cut off and blamed me because all the boys called her bucket head. We lost touch during the summer and it was never the same. Her dad owned the top modeling agency in Morton Heights and gave birth to the top model. Of course, I had the hot boyfriend, who was also the all-star basketball player, the hottest best friends and, well I was pretty popular. I mean every cheerleader is, right? “Christian Mowry, Antwon Neal, we all know Jeremiah”, Jeremy shot him and evil look. “Oops, Jeremy is here.” Mr. Crawford said sarcastically. “Brittany Oliver, Cameron Price, Molly Robinson, Ryan Scott.” Ryan, or Ry as I call him, has been my friend for as long as I can remember. He is just like the bigger brother I never had, even though I’m three weeks older than him. When we were little my mom told us we were inseparable, and that people always thought we were brother and sister. One time, when we were eight, he and I found some matches and lighter fluid in my shed; we ran out back to get logs and I doused lighter fluid on them. Both of us tried, without success, to light the match (We didn’t really understand the whole concept). Finally he lit one and threw it on the pile of soaked wood. Flames shot for the sky and the next thing we know his mom is running towards us with an unpleased look on her face. We were both grounded for two weeks, and to this day, I will never regret having that much fun. We spent every single summer together and together we walked to and from school, he even taught me how to ride a skateboard. Even now, as juniors people still mistake us for a couple, which has happened to us since about fifth grade. Whenever I need help with Brooke or Jenna or anybody for that matter he is there. I can talk to him anytime I want to really, since he lives next door. Aaron Smith, Sophia Wal…” “Brooke Brooke!” “Please call me Brooke, Mr. Crawford”. “Man sorry Brooke, I’ll get it right one day.” He said and smiled “Is that everybody?” Sophia or Brooke had been my best friend since we were nine. She was the quiet, shy girl and I was the loud, center of attention. No connection right? Wrong. At our third grade picnic, the first time we met, my ex friend Shayne plotted revenge and decided it would be funny to put a ketchup filled tampon on my blanket and holler “Ew Allie had a little accident”. Brooke let me borrow a pair of shorts and healed my broken heart. She also gave Shayne a pretty good beating, but she doesn’t know I saw her do it. Why? Excellent question, maybe she just wanted to take up for the skinny nice girl. From then on we have been linked at the hip. I convinced her to join the cheerleading squad and we spent every day, every summer, (except for the one going into ninth grade) together. Singing and joking having a good time. The summer going into ninth grade, her mom passed away and she spent the summer in Arizona with her Grandparents. I called her everyday and we talked non-stop.
Dinngggggggg! “Page 764 is due on Monday!” Mr. Crawford sputtered just before everyone blew out of the room. “Ugh can you believe this, homework on the weekend of Prom?” Brooke and I were walking down the crowded hallway with some of the cheerleading girls. “Oh my gosh tonight is going to be so fun!” “Yeah as long as they don’t spike the punch, like at the last dance.” A few of the girls chirped. “Brooke, you are going to be fine, I will help you with your English, if you help me with my calculus. Yeah it is going to be really exciting.” I laughed, “I’m just happy Jeremy is going, maybe this time he won’t end up drunk and lose his mind.” Amber chimed in, “you are so lucky, because honey, your boyfriend is fine. He got the body the looks the…” “Hey babe,” Jeremy said as Amber was finishing her your-man-is-so-fine-speech. Everyone was crowded around my locker. “You ready for tonight because I’m ready to…” he spun around, stuck his hand in the air and galloped in the middle of the hallway. “BUST A MOVE”, He said gallantly as he spun again and accompanied me and my locker. “Hey Al, I’ll meet you at the mall, five o’clock sharp.” Brooke added, “Nice moves Jeremy, better work on that spin if you want to win prom king tonight.” She said as the group walked away in awe. Jeremy was tall, slim and, had tan skin that complimented his jet black hair. He wore his royal blue and black letterman jacket (with his varsity basketball patches sewn across the back) and dirty jeans along with his favorite white and black nike’s. He was easily the most popular guy in school, he was a star on the basketball court, his parents were rich, he always had the nicest clothes, shoes, and of course a range rover as his sixteenth birthday present. When are you going to grow up?” I grinned and kissed him softly. He tried to lower his voice, as if he thought I was mad at him, “I’m sorry baby, it won’t happen again,” his eyes widened “but hey I have a surprise for you.” He pulled out a small rectangular black box. “Oh, Jeremy, you shouldn’t have.” I assured him as I slowly opened the box, expecting a lot more than its contents held. “Yeah what do you think about that”, He proudly exclaimed. He moved closer and whispered into my ear, “It’s a suit.” “No, you really shouldn’t have.” I closed my locker and shoved the box back in his chest.
“I can’t believe how insensitive he is!” I shrieked, as Brooke, Jenna, and I were shuffling through the Morton Heights mall. “I can’t believe he actually got you guys a room,” Brooke replied laughing. Jenna chimed in “You know you are the only girl he has actually gotten a room for, he just took all the other girls to his house, and she laughed. “Oh my gosh, this is so not funny. I cried as we walked through the mall. I am going through a relationship crisis here, and you two, of all people are laughing and making jokes! We have been dating this whole year just to get to this point and I ca….” “Allie” “I just can’t take this right now I mean my…” “Allie?” “My mom is freaking out because tonight is my first prom and…” “ALEXANDRA FELICITY MARTIN!” Brooke yelled as we made our way into a store. Jenna chimed in, “Wow, she broke out the full name.” Brooke grabbed my shoulders and looked me in the eyes, “Listen to me, I am your best friend, I love you, and Jeremy…Jeremy does too but he is a guy and guys are a little confused of what they want right now.” “But a room key Brooke, a room key, what kind of surprise is that supposed to be?” I sadly argued. “What am I supposed to do?” “How do you know he wants to have sex Al, he might just want to talk or something” Brooke concluded. “Yeah and maybe tomorrow it will snow in Florida.” Jenna responded sarcastically before she jerked through the clothes rack. I sighed, as I searched through the sea of necklaces. “Anyway it’s not like it’s your first time Allie, I mean come on, what’s the big deal?” Jenna added. The big deal was that I loved Jeremy. Somewhere between his silly comments, his hot body, and ridiculous study habits (that included no studying) I fell in love with him. Never before had I went all the way with somebody that I loved, and to tell you the truth, it scared me. In my eyes, it’s easy to give yourself up to some guy at a party or one of your friends brothers, you were most likely wasted anyway, and if you weren’t, its not like your going to have a future relationship, therefore nobody gets hurt. Harmless fun. The thought of having that special time that special moment with the one person who you love most, well it made me sick. To think that he is going to see me when I’m most vulnerable gave me a headache. “I think you just need to relax Al because honestly…” I looked up awaiting some of that good best friend advice. “Your boyfriend is so fine!” Brooke and Jenna sputtered in unison just before bursting into laughter. I quietly giggled to myself before facing them. “I just…I don’t know, expected more from him, I mean it’s been almost a year and he hasn’t said anything about it before.” “Except at Trevor’s party.” Jenna exclaimed boastfully. I looked around for Brooke and sighed, “Oh thank you, Jenna, for adding that wonderful piece of information to the conflict, and how many times do I have to tell you, he was drunk.” When Jeremy and I were together for a few months in the middle of the year, Trevor Dennison threw this big back to school bash for all the juniors. It was crazy, almost everyone was drinking, the walls were crowded with high school students about to blow chunks and the football team called for real strippers. Talk about a high school blowout. Jeremy offered to take me up into a room for some harmless fun. We started and I was into it at first but for some reason while we were in that room scenes floated through my head, the room started spinning and, suddenly it didn’t feel right. I realized that I liked him a lot more than any other guy I had gone this far with and I didn’t yet understand if I liked that feeling. I quickly got up and searched for my top. I walked to the door but he wouldn’t let me through. I told him he was drunk and we got into an argument that got way out of hand. I broke up with him that night and drove home crying hysterically, crying I called Jenna and Brooke, and told them everything, unfortunately, what I didn’t know was that it would come back to haunt me for the rest of my life. “Where is Brooke?” Jenna said looking around. Her phone rang and her eyes lit up. It must have been Ryan. She walked over to a bench and sat down. I looked up and saw my best friend. She was talking to some guy that looked as if he worked in the food court. He was a tall blonde, that looked like he was maybe in his early twenties. Just then, Shayne strutted into the store as we were on our way out. She was wearing a baby doll top with Capri‘s and heels accompanied by a beautiful coach purse that hadn’t even been seen in stores yet. Her father had obviously pulled some strings. Shayne had long dirty blonde hair that came down to the middle of her back. She was tan (probably from her recent purchase of a tanning bed, I know that because she practically advertised it to our whole fourth period class last week) with light blue eyes, and her make-up was very nicely done, it almost looked professional. Even though I believed she was the devils daughter, and hated to admit it, Shayne was very pretty, in her own skanky way. She was always put together and never out of style. That did not keep me from trying my best to humiliate her, “Look what the cat dragged in” I called as she stepped into the store. “Look what the cat spit up” she answered back. Shayne had two friends, or minions as I liked to call them, Courtney and Lindsey, they followed her around everywhere like a flock of geese. “Oh Allie, if only your so-called friends would have told you, your hips look like a package of hot dogs in those jeans. “Oh yeah because you know so much about being a good friend, don’t you? I shot back. Courtney chimed in “Oh yeah, well maybe one day you’ll be as pretty and as popular as Shayne.” “That will be the day, oh wait, today must be the day because I am certain she won’t win prom queen tonight. I answered back. I looked to walk between them and quickly scanned for Brooke. She was nowhere to be found.” “Is there a problem here Lady and the Tramps?” Brooke had already stepped into the conversation. “Oh you’ve come to be in the parade, wait, the freak show isn’t until the 28th, (she was referring to “The lights of California celebration”) its okay sweetheart you need all the practice you can get.” Shayne mentioned at the sight of Brooke. “You would know all about it sense, you, tweedle dee, and tweedle dumber, won first prize last year. Tell me, was it hard to walk and talk, like an idiot at the same time? Brooke waited on an answer, then Shayne spoke “Whatever, I’ll see you tonight, my prom queen crown awaits me, and I would just hate for you guys miss it.” She and her minions walked off giggling. “One of these days I’m going to show her…ugh.” I complained “ Let’s go guys, I have to be home at 5:30 so my mom can take pictures. We started out. “So who was that cutie in the food court?” I called. “Jenna added. “Wait, I thought you were going to the Prom with Jay?” “He was cute; I had to go check him out.” Brooke replied, He is twenty and he just moved here from North Carolina.” She added, him, his mom, and his baby brother live on the river, probably by you Al.” “Well Miss. America, did you get his number?” I laughed, “But of course Alexandra my darling” She said boastfully as she held up a strand of napkin with black numbers on it. Laughing, we walked out of the store and over to get smoothies. I saw Courtney and Lindsey in Rue 21 fighting over a skimpy little shirt. I smirked, “They’re definitely going to be running against you for the Miss America title.” Together, Brooke, Jenna and I walked out of the mall. “Tonight is going to be so fun” Brooke laughed. “A night to remember.”
“Hey Mom, I’m home.” My house was unusually quiet. “Mom?” I walked into the living room. “Dad?” I walked into the kitchen and found a note. It read:
Allie,
Your father and I are attending his benefit dinner for work. We will be home around 6:30. Try to eat something, start getting ready and we will see you when we get home.
Love, Mom
P.S- Feed Max for me please, his food is in the garage.
With the house to myself, I opened the refrigerator and grabbed a bottle of water. Then I heard a strange noise. Thump, thump, thump. I stopped, the noise stopped. Quickly I walked out into the garage, to feed Max, our golden retriever. Walking back into the house I heard the sound again. This time harder and faster, thump, thump, thump. “What is that?” I thought to myself. The strange sound continued. I went through the back door and opened the fence to the waterfront. My house sat on the edge of a cliff overlooking the river and on the other side of the river was the entire city. A little bit past my back yard through the white picket fence and down the river front a little ways was an open lot. Back when we were in fifth grade some elderly couple cleared out the trees and was set to build a house there, until the man passed away just before they started to build. It has been empty ever sense. As I walked down the path to the waterfront I knew to be careful. A pebble path was the only way of getting to the bottom. Trees and bushes covered any other entrance. Ryan and I would come down here all the time when we were little and swing from the zipline we built, than ran across the river. Once, when Brooke and I were freshman we ran down to watch the “Lights of California.” It was this big festival right before Halloween, they had carnival games, rides, and all sorts of booths. At nine o’clock, every year they hosted a huge firework show over the river to bless the Halloween ghosts, and every year Brooke, Ryan and I would watch it together. Well when we were running down the pebble path I tripped and fell, well rolled down the hill, taking Brooke with me. Ryan laughed so hard he fell too and we all watched the fireworks with bruised bodies. When you arrive to the waterfront there’s a medium sized field on the left. To the right there is an old beat-up basketball goal, accompanied by small wooden swing overlooking the entire city. When we were little, Brooke and I would sneak out and meet here to talk. We never brought anybody down here, except Ryan, and it wasn’t until Jenna that we accepted anyone else to know about it. That was our special place, we could go down there to think, or read, or do pretty much anything. I hadn’t been there in a while. Water bottle in hand I stepped through the wooden barricade Brooke and I built in sixth grade to keep Thomas and Dylan Perry out. As I cleared through the brush I saw a tall hooded figure on a ladder, hammer in hand, up against the basketball goal. At first I thought it was Ryan and it wasn’t until I got closer that I realized it wasn’t him. He was hammering a wooden board over the old one and dismembering the rim. I started running down. “Hey you!” I stammered, “What do you think your doing?” Startled, the figure looked at me and started down the ladder. I walked towards him. When I finally approached him, he took out his head phones and started speaking. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know anybody lived here.” I stepped over the bushes and moved closer to him “I just moved here from Nor…” I cut him off. “Look here, I don’t care where you moved from or how you got here. This is my property and I don’t think you have permission to be hammering around like a maniac, and why are you wearing a hoodie in 80 degree weather? I was out of breath. He slowly took his hood off, started talking. He was tall, muscular and had dark brown hair cut to his ears along with sideburns. The boy had a soft face, slender body and the most beautiful light green eyes I had ever seen. He spoke again, “Look I’m sorry if I bothered you my name is…” He was wearing a blue Duke University hoodie, accompanied by some white and blue basketball shorts and black Air Jordan basketball shoes. I was stunned for a brief moment. I thought to myself, “What is wrong with me, like I haven’t ever seen a cute boy before.” He was still talking, “so maybe we could be fri…” I looked down at my watch, it was six o’clock and I still had to get ready. I stopped him again, “Okay I don’t have time to deal with this right now, I have a prom to go to now and when I get back I expect you be gone, Got it Bob the builder?” He babbled back, “Yeah…sure, whatever. I started up the hill and he yelled up at me. “Hey, can I get your number, you know, just in case I forget my hammer or my tools here. Just so you can get them back to me?” I turned around, the pick-up lines guys use today. I fiddled through my pockets and found what I was looking for. I threw him the coin and answered back, “Heads you might get my number, tails, you leave.” He caught it and hollered up. “Heads it is.” He fumbled with the coin. “So do I still have to leave?”
I walked into my back door and was met by my mother. “Hey sweetheart”, she walked over to shut the door, “where have you been?” I answered back. “Nowhere, just walking Max.” “Well sit down Allie, your father and I have some pleasant news.” I walked into the living room, in no way was I prepared for the news they welcomed me with. “Moving!” I cried.” Were moving!” My father stammered, “Honey, it is only for a couple of years, we can come back and visit whenever you want to.” “No Dad, a couple of years is too long, what about Brooke, Ryan, and Jenna, and Jeremy and the cheerleading squad. Did you think about them?” “Sweetheart”, my mother added quietly. “You can make new friends in Michigan and I‘m sure they have a cheerleading team.” “ Michigan … Michigan !” I shouted. “Your moving me half-way across the county away from everything I love and that is supposed to be good news?” “I can’t believe you two right now.” I got up and turned my back “It was a very good job offer and your father had to take it.” I started to my room. “Look here missy, this is my house and my rules, your moving to Michigan weather you like it or not.” My mother scolded me. “No Mom,” I shot back, “Right now I am going to my first prom, and probably last prom at Morton Heights, don’t speak to me don’t try to take pictures. Just stay down here and think about how much you are ruining my life.” My father tried to speak as I was walking up the stairs. “Alexandra, honey co…” I slammed my door and smothered my face into my pillow. After a few minutes I got up and looked out my window, good, the boy was gone. Lying on my bed, I found myself thinking about him, he was really cute and kind of witty in his own little way. I glanced down at my clock and realized it was seven o’clock. Brooke and Jeremy would be here to pick me up in one hour. I took a shower, fixed my hair and make-up, and then slid the red dress over my head. I was getting my shoes and purse ready when I saw Jeremy pull into my drive way. I grabbed my things and he met me at the door. Instead of waiting inside my house for the limo we sat in his car. “Allie, what’s wrong babe?” “Nothing, just ready to leave” I sighed and Jeremy got out of the car. I turned look at him and saw the limo. It was an Escalade stretch limo and took up almost my whole driveway. Brooke stuck her head out of the sun roof and yelled, “Its party time baby!”
The way to the Prom was nothing less than I expected. The long car included most of the basketball team and cheerleaders plus Me, Jeremy, Brooke, Jay, Jenna, and Ryan. Everyone was laughing and having a good time while I was still marinating in my parents recent decision to move me away from all humanity. Brooke noticed something was wrong, she slid over and took a seat between me and Jeremy. “What’s up girl?” Brooke asked gasping for breath after singing Car wash with the rest of our crew. I answered back covering up my real feelings. I looked up “You know the last time we were in a limo was for our eighth grade dance, remember?” “Yeah, you and Ryan went together. And Jenna was really mad at me because I went with Aaron Gates.” She replied back. I laughed, “And we spent forty minutes in the bathroom trying to get that punch out of your dress that Ryan spilled on you because he was so nervous. We both laughed. “Those were the good old days huh?” She giggled. “Hey stop looking back, try to have some fun tonight okay?” “Just promise me you’ll have fun tonight okay?” “I will.” I assured her. When we stepped into the Belmont hotel all of us looked around with wide eyes. Black and blue streamers covered the walls of the beautiful ball room. The hard wood floor glistened through the sun roof and reflected off of every girl’s jewelry. Everyone was dollied up from head to toe. Girls had their hair and nails done accompanied by guys with fresh cuts and new suits as well. The stage was in the center of the room under a giant disco ball, surrounded by several small spotlights. Balloons and confetti were held overhead by a large basket, ready to fall when king and queen were announced. The room was filled with adrenaline pumped teenagers ready for a night of fun. We all gracefully walked down the ballroom stairs and found a table to put our things onto. Ryan and Jenna sat together while Jay and Brooke got everyone some punch. Jeremy and I were out on the dance floor dancing the night away. He must have already been drinking a little. Pretty soon everybody joined us and we were all having a blast when the one and only made her entrance. Shayne walked down the ballroom stairs accompanied by some boy I had never seen before. She wore an average sized blue dress with many small silver sequins patched onto it, along with silver shoes that had the same sequins on them. Around her neck was the most beautiful diamond I had ever laid my eyes on. It was white surrounded by many smaller blue diamonds stringing around her. With every move she made one of the diamonds caught the light and blinded everyone in the ballroom. “She always has to make an entrance,” I said to Jeremy who was staring at Shayne in awe. He said nothing for a second then answered back, “Whoa, she’s hot.” I looked at him in disbelief and stormed off to the table. As I was making my way through the crowd something caught my arm. “Look baby I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking. I’ll be in the room at eleven thirty.” I snatched my arm away and kept walking. He walked the other way to talk to one of his basketball buddies. Sometimes I wondered what made me like him so much. I sat down at the table and started talking to one of the cheerleading girls. Every now and then I would glance up to look at the clock. It was going on eleven thirty. Just then Brooke walked up to me, her eyes as big as golf balls. “Allie come quick, Jenna needs help.” I rose from my seat with a sense of urgency, and followed Brooke out to the parking lot. When I approached the limo I saw feet hanging out of and open car door one without a shoe. “Its okay baby we’re going to get you home.” Ryan was sitting in the car holding a scrawny figure. “Is that Jenna?” I giggled. Brooke spoke, “One of the girls brought a canteen of vodka, and Lindsay Lohan here downed the whole thing.” “The whole thing?” I exclaimed. “Well someone needs to take her home, but she is going to be in so much trouble.” What if I take her home with me and one of you can just say she stayed with you? “Ryan suggested while holding onto his drunken girlfriend. “Brooke can stay the night with me and I will just tell my mom it’s Jenna.” I explained. “You don’t have any plans tonight do you?” She answered back, “No but you do, where is Jeremy? I sighed. “I don’t know probably in the room.” Ryan looked up at me. “Allie, just be careful, I know I can’t look after you like I used to but I just want you to thinks things over. I grabbed him and gave him a hug. Jenna was sound asleep. “You can always look after me big brother.” I kissed him on the head and closed the limo door. “You guys creep me out sometimes.” Brooke complained. “Have you two ever went out?” I chuckled back “Yeah when we were five and he asked me to marry him. Brooke and I walked inside arm in arm to the dance floor. On our way in Mr. Murray, the principal, was up on the stage announcing the prom king and queen. I looked over the ballroom for Jeremy but couldn’t find him. The room was filled with anticipation as Mr. Murray picked up the envelope. “And now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for, the crowning of this years prom king and prom queen. I will announce the queen first.” A drum roll started. Silence fell over the room and Mr. Murray’s voice was the only one that spoke. “This years Morton Heights High School Prom queen is…” He opened the envelope. “Shayne McDonald!” Brooke and I looked at each other and smiled. The crowed looked around and Shayne was no where to be found. Mr. Murray spoke again, “Shayne McDonald can you please come up and accept your crown?” “Well she got what she wanted, as always.” I sighed. Brooke comforted me. “Oh don’t worry about that girl. She only won because her dress blinded everyone and they couldn’t even see anybody else. I laid my head on her shoulder and looked at the clock. It was going on twelve. Courtney and Lindsay walked onto the stage to accept Shayne’s crown on there way down, the two were fighting over it like little boys in a sand box. “Jeremy told me he would be in the room at eleven thirty.” Brooke looked down at me in amazement. “Why the hell aren’t you up there then?” I smiled and looked up at her. “You think I should?” She stared at me with serious eyes. “Al, I think you should do what you want to do and stop worrying about the bad that can happen, go get him tiger.” She pushed me away and told me she would meet me at home at three. I got into the elevator and made my way up to the fifth floor. The elevator doors opened slowly and I walked out into the hallway alone. Searching through my purse for the room key, I approached the door. Key in hand I stared at the room number for a moment. After I gathered all the courage in my body I finally pushed the heavy door open. The room was black. I walked in and turned on the closest lights I could find. The room lit up, to the right was a small kitchen, that included a small stove top, a microwave, and a small refrigerator on the wall. A bar top stood in the middle with a small sink on one side and two stools on the other. On the opposite side of the bar was a small living room, with a flat screen television, couch and recliner. The bathroom was on the left across from the kitchen. “Wow, he really went all out,” I spoke to myself. Over to the left the master bedroom door was shut. I slowly approached it, “Jeremy? Are you in there?” I knocked twice and walked in. As I opened the door I heard heavy breathing and saw two figures on the bed. With cruel intentions I flipped on the lights. “Oh my god!” The girl figure screamed and rolled over. As she was turning over the male figure jumped up, it was Jeremy. Regretting going up there I took a look at the female figure, to my surprise, it was Shayne. My mouth dropped and tears started forming in my eyes. I slammed the door and started towards the hall. I heard someone behind me, and as I was attempting to open the other door, the person shut it. “Baby wait, let me explain.” “I turned with tears streaming down my face. “EXPLAIN! You want me to let you explain why you were in bed with that slut!” I opened the door and started out. “Baby I was drunk, and I didn’t know if you were going to come up…” So you decided to sleep with her huh?” I was trying to hold in the tears and speak at the same time. “Jeremy I tried, I gave you a chance, I took your *********, I took it all, and this is how you repay me! You said you loved me! I was done I turned around and left him standing in front of the door in only his boxers. “Wait, wait, so what’s this mean?” He stuttered. Without turning around I screamed at the top of my lungs. “Were over!” The elevator door opened, I stepped in and pressed the lobby button. Once the doors closed I fell to my knees and started bawling. I arrived down in the lobby and walked out the front doors no one even saw me leave. I didn’t know how far the hotel was from my house and personally I didn’t care, all I knew, was that I had to get away from there. It started to rain. Shoes in hand I started walking down the street with tears streaming down my face.
Tyler watched her walk up the hill and smiled. “Well isn’t she something else.” He gathered up his tools and started up to his house. When he walked in he found his brother still in his work uniform sitting on the couch playing the Xbox 360, and his mother in the kitchen working on dinner. “Hey beautiful,” he walked over to his mother, kissed her on the cheek and put his things down. “Hey Tyler, where have you been?” “He responded back, “Oh down the river there is a little court and I just took dads tools down there to see if I could fix it up a bit.” Trey looked over from his video game “Why did you take dads tools?” “I don’t know, I didn’t think I was going to get interrogated for it.” Their mother spoke, “okay boys that’s enough.”
Well I am warning you I am blunt, and brutally honest. So if you get your feelings hurt, I really want you to stop reading right now, because I don’t think I could handle reading this either, I am not the nicest person. I will however give you constructive critisism.
One, grammar, spelling, word missuse, big problems, and it is irritating to notice those while reading, have a few people read over and edit, it’s not a big deal, but you should work on it.
Second, you definately need a stronger begining, your opening sentence is boring, if I hadn’t already commited to reading this, I wouldn’t have read any farther.
Third, Don’t worry so much about giving a long history of every single character as you introduce them the first time in class. In TV shows it works great but in books, introducing them as it is convenient to the story, is much more practical, and interesting.
Fourth, Being that your character is old enough to get into this kind of trouble, I would move up some of her childhood memories a little later in her childhood, because it seems rather unrealistic for her to still dwell on things from second and third grade.
Fifth, (I told you I am not nice) Possibly due to the long intro to all the characters, I began to skim as apposed to actually reading. I think if you worked on your introductions this could be a really awesome story. You would attract Dirty Little Liars fans for sure.
I hope my review wasn’t to harsh.
Good Luck!?
